I’d like to think we tried everything to save our marriage.
Couples therapy until we were blue in the face.
More quality time. More time apart. Family vacations. Medication.
Hoping. Praying. Having a baby.
I posted beautiful family photos on Facebook and wrote funny blog posts. Maybe the Internet could help me create the life I really wanted.
We met the summer after freshman year of high school,
‘It’s the night before Christmas, and all thro’ the house,
Every damn person is stirring, both upstairs and down.
The stockings are hung on the entertainment center with care,
I wish someone else would fill them, so I could go wash my hair.
Here are the top 5 gifts that your kids will absolutely love this Christmas.
I think it should be required that every teenager work at least three shitty jobs before they turn 18. We could make it like the military draft. Kids would sign up and get deployed to some dusty hell hole for a while. Nothing like an 11-month tour at the Cinnabon, or Perfumania, to get your head right.
Birth stories for women are like fishing stories for men.
Get together with a woman of child-bearing age, and before you know her last name, you’ll know she pushed for 72 hours and birthed an 11-pound baby.
Here’s what I miss most…
I miss being able to walk up a flight up stairs like it wasn’t Mount F-ing Kilimanjaro.
I miss going a day without popping stool softeners like M&Ms.
I miss putting my own socks on.
I miss my crotch.
Do you see this clean toilet?
I’d like to take credit for it, but I can’t, because I didn’t clean it.
My 6-year-old did.
I was drawing a bath for Colt when he said, “Mommy, I cleaned that potty earlier.”
“You did what?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“It was REALLY gross,” he said, making a disgusted face. “So I took that brush over there (pointing to the toilet wand) and I scrubbed the potty.”
Colt asks me for a pet 10 times a day.
Every time my answer is the same.
You’re not getting a pet. You’re getting a sister.
A few months ago, I told you I’d signed us up for a breastfeeding class at the hospital “designed for couples.”
Mark your calendar! Hot date at the local hospital!
Just you, me, a flip chart, and lots of plastic nipples.
Ta Da! Meet my HOTTIE new website! She’s been under the knife for several weeks now. My friend Patrick Masters was the head surgeon (call him if your website needs a nip/tuck at a reasonable price.