Nothing makes you wanna kill yourself like shopping for a bathing suit.
Shortly after I had Colt, my mother convinced me to start shopping at Bealls Department Store. I guess she was implying that my days at Victoria’s Secret were over.
At Bealls, I found a cute coral one-piece that has been my go-to mommy suit for two years now.
But the elastic has dry-rotted, the seams are torn and the crotch is pilly.
A few weeks ago, I decided to return there – hoping to find another industrial strength suit to last until 2018.
But Todd has been begging me to buy a bikini. I think he’s realizing he may. never. see his wife in one again.
The thought must be terrifying.
So after trying on 75 bathing suits with no luck, I finally find the “Jessica Simpson” section at Bealls. Yessssss. She gained like 100 pounds with her kid, right?
Sure enough. I try on a killer blue bikini, and I love it. I’m no Adriana Lima, but it’s not bad. Not bad at all.
Todd and Colt mosey over toward the dressing room, and I swing open the door – certain Todd will pass out when he sees my smokin’ hot…
He looks confused. Staring.
Suddenly Colt cries, “Mommy it’s too small!”
Later in the week, I’m in Target trying not to spend $200 (impossible), and I notice The Cutest Bathing Suits Ever.
They come in the following sizes:
X-So f*&king small this wouldn’t fit my toddler if he were a girl.
So NOT much bigger than the XS.
My one a$$ cheek could not fit inside the bottom of this bathing suit. Maybe they are referring to the TV show?
Laughing at this top, which is CLEARLY mismarked. No boob bigger than a B cup could fit in one of these triangles.
X-Lo and Behold. This one fits.
Now… I am a size 6 in the morning… and a size 8 at night.
I’m not asking to fit in a petite small, but an EXTRA LARGE?
What about the rest of America? Where are they shopping?
Target is supposed to be a store for The American People.
I can only assume that the people in China assembling our bathing suits have started sizing them to fit their bodies.
Do men have to worry about these things? Things like Uniboob, Muffin top or Camel Toe?
Of course not.
When is the last time you heard your husband complain about squeezing his manhood into a neon-colored sling or checking for “side ball.”
They just slide on a pair of elastic-waisted shorts in a subtle-colored breathable fabric, and the mesh nest inside cradles their privates.
Nothing is squished or mashed or strung together. And they have pockets!
And I’m pretty sure if they’re medium sized, they just buy a “medium” size. Which is probably the same regardless of store or state or assembly plant location.
My head is swimming with the injustice of it all.