It’s 2-o-clock in the morning.
I “went to bed” at 10:30, but I’ve already gotten up twice to pee. And once to check that the oven is off. And once to make sure the front door is locked.
I’ve jussssssst started really sleeping…like rapid eye movement sleeping…like dreaming about Channing Tatum’s nether-regions sleeping…
When I hear it.
The blood-curdling scream of my toddler from the other room.
I cling to Channing’s biceps…but the screaming gets louder…
I fly out of bed and head toward Colt’s room.
In the 2 seconds it takes for me to run across the house, my brain spins through the rolodex of worst-case-scenarios.
Barf on the ceiling? Poop on the wall? A spider in the bed?
In the real world, a person would wear a HAZMAT suit, but I forge ahead in my panties and paper-thin nighty.
Like a boss.
I find Colt standing up in his bed, crying. His precious little arms outstretched.
“I want Daddy to sweep with me!” he wails. “I’m scared. I want Daddy to sweep with me!!!”
(I want Daddy to sweep with me too. And vacuum with me. And scrub the toilets with me….)
Between sobs, I make out something about The Hungry Caterpillar eating Princess Sofia’s magical amulet.
Thanks a lot Eric Carle.
I scoop him up, wipe his tears and carry him into our bed.
I don’t know why, after almost three years, I haven’t learned….
The fantasy of snuggling with my baby – is just that.
And so begins the cacophony of heavy breathing and karate kicks.
Between Colt and Todd, it’s a Drumline battle royale – a showdown of Timpani and “Snore.”
And I’m still awake.
No longer hanging on to Channing’s bicep, rather on to the small corner of the mattress that is left for me.
A wee piece of sheet covering one butt cheek.
I’m frustrated and freezing, but strangely…I wouldn’t give up any of this.
Sure, I miss good-night-sleeps, and bladder control, and not being PSYCHO about ovens and locks… but I love my chaotic little family more than I miss those things.
So I’ll just enjoy the 120 minutes I have left before my alarm goes off.
If the hungry caterpillar doesn’t wake me up first…