1. Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Fivebucks.
I mean Starbucks. It’s not my favorite time of year until I’m spending half my paycheck and one-fourth of my daily-calorie-intake on a 12 oz. cup of pie-flavored steamed milk.
Let’s hope the high-waisted-shorts trend dies before the spring flowers bloom again.
When I was in college, the trend was LOW-rise shorts. So low, that girls’ pubic bones were protruding above the zipper. Now they’re so HIGH-waisted, their vaginas are hanging out underneath.
‘Tis the season to veto the vajayjay, and break out the Long Johns, girls!
3. Flu Shots.
Have you ever had the flu? I mean, REALLY had the flu? Not just the “flu” where your throat is sore and your nose is stuffy, blah blah blah.
But the one where you’re freezing to death and then burning alive. And you feel like a Mack truck has run over your body, and you fear you may never emerge from your bedchamber? If you’ve (really) had the flu, you know what I’m talking about.
And so I cheerfully celebrate my opportunity to pay Walgreens $25 each fall to avoid this inconvenience.
I actually hate football. Except for college football, specifically the SEC. I love watching these games mostly because I grew up watching the Gators. So many warm-fuzzy memories of dad cheering wildly, mom making various-and-sundry chips and dips, and many, many drunken Saturdays at the Swamp.
(And because I like watching football 10,000 times better than baseball. If I have to sit through ONE MORE seven-hour long Shuffling-Sliding-Butt Patting-At Batting-Tobacco Chewing-Sliding-Loogy Hocking-Spit Fest, I’m going to give up TV all together and join the FLDS.)
Starting in September, it’s perfectly acceptable to start smothering things in gravy and topping things with marshmallows. And eating foods described as “hearty”, creamy”, “cozy” and “rib-sticking.” Nevermind that it’s 90-degrees here in Florida until January.
6. The End of Bathing Suit Season.
No elaboration required.