Children, Manners, Marriage, Men, Mother, Parenting

Jesus Wouldn’t Hock Loogies

Spitting. One of the many few topics, in which my husband and I disagree.

Specifically, the appropriateness of it.

He believes that phlegm needs be expelled. That it will somehow make you sicker to swallow it.

It must leave the body immediately. In the parking lot. On the sidewalk. In the kitchen sink. Out the car window.

Apparently every player of every Major League Baseball team in America  is under the same guise.

It’s a wonder I’ve survived all these years – swallowing my own spit.

I guess it’s publicly acceptable because  it’s “a man thing.”

But before I was married, I lived with a man (my father) for 21 years.

I know I’m partial, but he’s A LOT like Jesus.

And besides a sneeze, or sweat stain, or tear of joy, I never, EVER witnessed him expelling – anything.

I do think I heard him break wind once.

What if we applied the same spit logic, to other bodily functions?

What if passing gas was not only acceptable, but encouraged!

Before every at-bat. After every base gained. Into big cups in the dugout.

At least we wouldn’t have to step in that.

To be honest, I wouldn’t even know how to “hock a loogie” if I had to. Mine would be a weak, pathetic…pa-tooy.

The sharp-spitters I encounter (and live with) muster up the goo like Puss in Boots musters a hair ball.

Gutturally.

And then somehow they compress it into a solid-ish object? Before shotputting it onto the footpaths of innocent women like me.

Like I want your DNA on my stilettos.

Maneuvering the corridors of a college campus is like playing Paperboy on Nintendo. Ten points to avoid the spitballs flying at your feet!

It disgusts me to my core.

I can promise you this. My son will never, EVER hock anything in front of his mother.

And if he does, I will scoop it off the sidewalk and shove it back down his handsome little throat.

Previous Post Next Post

You Might Also Like

4 Comments

  • Reply sugartimecrafts October 7, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    OMG! Julie. I understand your position. Be sure to find balance and write something nice about Todd in your venting mix once in a while 🙂 Love, Mom

  • Reply Drew wallingford October 22, 2014 at 11:04 am

    Just thought this was funny because I was actually looking for the passage in john 9 when Jesus actually spits on the ground to make mud in order to heal his blindness. Can you imagine spitting enough to make mud that would cover someone’s eyes!? So, Jesus most definitely would and did spit. Maybe not in the same way that your husband does, but he most certainly did. The verse is john 9:6. But on the other hand your husband is a man and I would hope that you could talk with him about it instead of talking to everyone on the entire internet.

    • Reply thebedfordwife October 22, 2014 at 12:02 pm

      Touché Drew.

      • Reply Drew wallingford October 22, 2014 at 12:09 pm

        *takes bow*

    Leave a Reply

    Scroll Up