Since my city’s team made it to the Stanley Cup Finals this year (Go Lightning!), I’ve been watching A LOT of hockey.
Here’s what I’ve discovered – the good and the bad (mostly good, but we’ll start with the bad…)
First, I can’t see the damn puck.
Is anyone else having trouble focusing on the punctuation mark zipping around at warp speed?
It makes my eyes cross, and they’re already crossed.
Literally, I have crossed eyes.
But it DOESN’T MATTER because the team is only going to score like ONCE in THREE hours.
Chances are, even if you could see the puck, you’ve chosen that miraculous moment to go to the bathroom or refill your cheese doodles.
Between goals (which is 90 percent of the game) all you have to do is stare at the TV screen with furrowed brow.
(It’s not like football or baseball, where you’re required to regurgitate explicit details on the play.)
You just have to “Hmmmm” and “Hawwww” and look disappointedly at your friends occasionally.
Now shake your head and curse at the screen!!
Secondly, I have a sneaking suspicion that hockey players have the most FIT, buff, ripped, SEXY bodies of all professional athletes.
I can’t know for SURE (because my eyes are crossed from watching that damn puck) and because of all those pads and helmets, and jerseys and things in the way. And what’s with that weird arm scooper the goalie wears?
In fact, all I CAN see, is the beat-up, toothless, hairy face of a man who might as well be on Intervention.
But I believe that under all that rubbish is an Ice God of Epic Proportion.
One who can fall to his knees as quickly as he can rise to the occasion.
A gentleman on the street, but a freak on the ice.
If you know what I mean.
Lastly, I love the LANGUAGE of hockey.
All of the superfluous words and syllables.
“And now we have stoppage of play.”
And now we have drinkage of beer, and eatage of cheese doodles!
And then there’s Hooking! Icing! Hand-passing! Checking! Clipping!
So many sports are short on present participles these days.
I’ve grown to love my home team of ice-skating Paul Bunyans.
I’m sad that I’ll have to wait another two weeks until they start playing again.
(OK, so it’s actually a few months, but seriously, why is the hockey season SO LONG?!!!!)
The very best part of watching the Stanley Cup Finals was seeing the two teams congratulate each other at the end.
They really took the time to greet, hug and butt-slap each and every one of their opponents.
It was sweet. And refreshing to see such sportsmanship in a sport known for kicking the SH*T out of each other!
I look forward to next season – the pucks, the beards, the fancy verbiage.
Maybe next time we’ll bring home the cup.