‘It’s the night before Christmas, and all thro’ the house,
Every damn person is stirring, both upstairs and down.
The stockings are hung on the entertainment center with care,
I wish someone else would fill them, so I could go wash my hair.
Why aren’t my children nestled snug in their beds?
GO TO SLEEP, JESUS CHRIST, I’M NOT ASKING AGAIN!!!!
“It’s his birthday!” squeals Colt. And with that I feel bad.
At least he knows the meaning of Christmas, if not me and his dad.
In his jammies he’s standing there, holding a cup,
“Another drink of water, Mommy, that’s why I’m still up!”
“And a snack too please Mommy, I’m starving to death.”
That’s because you didn’t eat your dinner, you should have eaten the rest!
When outside the front door there arises a clatter,
I set down his cup to see what is the matter.
Away to the window I look toward the lawn,
This better be that back-ordered sh&t from Amazon!
But it’s just kids in mittens, jackets and tights
Walking around the neighborhood looking at lights
“Nothing to see here,” I smile and wave.
“On our electricity bill, my husband really likes to save!”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a FedEx truck on four shiny black wheels.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
He is up in my driveway before I can blink.
More rapid than eagles with my Prime boxes he came,
He hand-delivers my packages, and calls me by name.
Now back in the house I hear a strange thing…
The baby! I forgot her! She’s still in the swing!
All that motion has caused her to barf up her bottle
I look all around, but can’t find her father.
Spit up’s on the ceiling! And all down the wall!
How can so much milk come out of someone so small?”
As I clean up the mess, small footprints I hear…
“Mommy, my water, remember? I’m still here.”
I fill up his cup and put him to bed
My back, it is aching, and so is my head
And then with a tingling, something else hurts
My boobs are about to explode in my shirt
Now instead of wrapping, I’m pumping, like a cow that goes Moo,
I want to collapse, but there’s so much to do.
The breakfast, the casserole, the cake, and the rest,
All those things I’ve been pinning on Pinterest.
Oh, who am I kidding, I can’t even bake,
I’m not the damn Pioneer Woman for God’s sake.
Now I’m dress’d all in flannel, from head down to toe,
And hubby’s winkin’ at me like, “hey girl….ya know….”
Are you kidding me right now? We’re not messing around!
Get OFF me you animal! You’re like a blood hound!
A bundle of toys, I fling under the tree.
And gobble the cookies and milk left out for “me.”
I crash into bed, finally time to myself.
Until I leap up, remembering, Elf on the Shelf!
Twice this week alone, I forgot to move our elf “Wayne”
Whoever invented this tradition, is f-ing insane.
I look at the clock – it says 5 a.m,,
Only two hours to go, until it all begins again.
I’m dozing off, and hubby turns out the light,
Happy Christmas to all the great moms out there,
And to all a good night!