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Love, Marriage

A New Life for the Bedford Wife

I’d like to think we tried everything to save our marriage.

Couples therapy until we were blue in the face.

More quality time. More time apart. Family vacations. Medication.

Hoping. Praying. Having a baby.

I posted beautiful family photos on Facebook and wrote funny blog posts. Maybe the Internet could help me create the life I really wanted.

We met the summer after freshman year of high school, and I spent the next 18 years along side the quiet blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy from Driver’s Education.

6,570 days to be exact. 10 years of marriage. A war. A college degree. Two children.

I remember a time when we were very much in love. When we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. When we passed notes to each other in class, and mailed love letters between states.

Those memories seem distant now. Like a dimly lit room in the back of someone else’s house.

Over the years, our teenage infatuation devolved into a relationship fraught with disappointment, resentment…sadness. There were happy times too. But they became fewer and farther between.

Ultimately we felt empty, indifferent toward each other.

After we had Libby, I panicked and begged him to fix us. But he didn’t know how, and neither did I.

Three months later, I asked him to leave.

It’s been six months since then, and I am only now sitting down to write this.

I knew seeing these words on screen would make them real, and I didn’t want to say them out loud.

It’s a strange thing, divorce.

Sometimes it feels like sweet relief. Like I can finally breathe.

Other times the pain is so great I fear I might stop breathing altogether.

This can’t be my life, I think.

A single parent? A failure.

Who will love me? Who will love my babies?

I’m looking for a thirty-something libra with saggy boobs, stretch marks and two children.

Said no man ever.

But it is my hope that we will both find love again.

That he will find the woman who makes him smile his beautiful smile.

Someone who makes him want to be a better man. Who puts the lights back in his eyes.

It is my hope that we find the people who can enhance our lives and our children’s lives – in a way we couldn’t for each other.

People who can become a part of our village.

I read somewhere that the hardest thing to overcome in life is the loss of someone who is still alive.

It’s true, I think.

But I don’t regret the last decade of my life.

I don’t regret our son or baby girl.

Our beautiful mess led us to this place. And we’re going to be okay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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7 Comments

  • Reply Cheri Donohue May 31, 2017 at 7:51 pm

    You are more mature and sensitive than your hilarious blogs give in to – but then again that is what makes you so much fun to read. You are a real person who people can relate to – even those who will never experience all of your life adventures. Your children are blessed to have you in their lives because I can see already that you will face the future without trashing the past. I am so happy to be included in any small way in your life. Love you – Cheri

  • Reply Jenny Weigle June 1, 2017 at 2:10 am

    Julie, you WILL find great love again. The very love you described you are hoping for. I believe that with all my heart…now YOU just have to believe it. What a beautiful post. You continue to amaze me with your writing. Please don’t ever stop sharing your truth, no matter how hard it it, because your truth is inspiring to so many. <3

  • Reply Linda Hamilton June 1, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Julie, this made me cry. Even though I have known about this for a long time, I can feel your love and pain in this blog. I have known you since you were a child and I know you both will find love again. Both of you are awesome people and parents. If you need anything, I am a few doors up the street. Love to you and your sweet family.

  • Reply Daniella DeFrancesco June 4, 2017 at 7:08 pm

    HI Julie! You have got a new fan and supporters. You are not alone!

  • Reply Alicia June 5, 2017 at 3:53 am

    Julie,
    You are such an amazing person and a great mom! You are so funny and your writing is AMAZING! Your BLOG rocks, I remember you talking about it years ago! I love it! You are so strong! Hugs!
    Alicia

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