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Parenting, Uncategorized

Being a Mom: Living the Oxymoron

Colt’s arrival was somewhat traumatic.

An emergency C-section followed by a morphine reaction that left me hysterical and itching like a heroin addict.

I felt accomplished that we’d both made it out alive. I also felt completely insecure as a new mother.

It was my first “oxymoron” experience as a parent.

In the year that followed, a cloud of postpartum depression loomed over me. I didn’t sleep.

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Parenting

Potty Words Belong in the Potty

My husband is an elementary school teacher and has grown accustomed to kids saying naughty things.

Today was no exception.

Except.

Today he heard the naughtiest thing he’d ever heard.

A second grader told a female classmate to…ahem…

“Suck his nuts.”

Now, I write a blog called,”Potty Mouth in a Sweater Set” but…

Whoa.

This kid is how old…8?

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Parenting, Shopping

What’s Really Inside My Purse

You know those magazine articles where they dump out a celebrity’s purse and tell you what’s “really” in it?

Theres a $34.00 tube of lip stain, an essential oil rollerball, a sweet little notepad for writing poetry on the go. And an organic flaxseed energy bar of course!

Want to know what’s in my purse?

Crumbs.

Receipts.

Half-chewed Chiclets.

A lollipop stick with the goo still on it.

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Parenting

Mom Fail: My Son the Bum

Is that a miniature homeless man from Brooklyn? No, it's my son on Awards Ceremony Day at school. I let him walk across the stage in high waters and Paw Patrol slippers. I let him shake the hand of the principal with a skull cap on and a hoodie tied around his waist. I completely forgot about the big day. I'll admit, I skimmed through the 500 papers he brought home that week, and didn't get it on the calendar. So I didn't attend the ceremony (because I forgot) but my friend was kind enough to take this photo. When I looked down at her text message, I actually gasped. Did I seriously let him wear that to school? Of course, he didn't mind at all. In fact, he was thrilled to be wearing exactly what he wanted on such an important day. I've done this before. Picture day - Fall VPK 2014. I let him wear his favorite dinosaur shirt, mismatched shorts and lace-up camouflage boots (with safety orange laces.) Colt couldn't have been prouder to bring home the 8 x 10" reminder of my #momfail. --- A coworker of mine (a few years older and wiser) told me [...]

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Parenting

A Festival Outing with my Little Lord

Some people like to go to the State Fair. Some people (me) don’t.

But I LOVE the Renaissance Festival.

Sure, they’re both dirty and stinky and you have to use a Port-o-Let…

Maybe it’s the kilts and feathers, but I just feel like the festival is a bit more refined.

Here’s a simple test to determine if you’re a fair person, or a festival person.

  1. Do you prefer to see humongous breasts under an airbrushed T-shirt,

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Food, Marriage, Parenting

Valentine’s Day at the Awful House

These are places I hate to go – listed in order of least to most hated.

  1. The flea market
  2. The state fair
  3. Waffle House
  4. Chuck-E-Cheese
  5. Golden Corral

The common denominators? Pickup trucks and dirty fingernails.

My husband loooooooooves Waffle House.

(He actually loves all of the places listed above.)

He likes the cheap coffee, the single-ply napkins,

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Food, Parenting

We Go All Out for Groundhog Day

Why?

Because I believe that holidays that mean absolutely nothing should be celebrated with all of the exuberance and creativity of Christmas morning.

Really, I’m just looking for an excuse to eat more desserts.

“I’m sorry [insert personal trainer name], but you know how it is around Groundhog Day.

There are sweets everywhere. Cookies, fruit cakes, figgy pudding…

And with all the stress of the family in town,

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holiday, Parenting

Our Holiday – Up in Smoke

Our little city hosts several fun family events throughout the year – Sunday in the Park, the 4th of July Parade…

The annual Christmas Tree Bonfire.

At nightfall, families gather at the park to watch the city’s hottest firefighters set our dead trees ablaze.

And I literally mean hottest firefighters. This blaze gets so hot, you might as well wear your bathing suit under your parka.

(I imagine the guys that work the “bonfire”

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holiday, Parenting

Thank You for the Megaphone

Dear Mother-in-Law,

I’d like to publicly thank you for all of Colt’s wonderful Christmas gifts.

Specifically, the megaphone/bullhorn with siren.

We love it for so many reasons.

For one, I find that I am generally more alert now, and I wake up much faster.

When Colt sounds the siren, I actually LEAP out of bed in the morning!

We used to have to walk over to the neighbors to borrow a cup of sugar,

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