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Health, Love, Marriage, Medicine, Menopause, Mother, Parenting, Pregnancy, Sex, Women

The Dreaded “Annual”

There’s nothing more exciting than an annual visit to the gynecologist.

The day when you get to be extra late to work because you have to go answer a bunch of really uncomfortable questions about intercourse and self-breast-exams and your family’s medical history. And then walk around all day with a gallon of KY Jelly oozing out of you. Asking yourself …why the hell did I decide to wear a skirt today???!!!!

Before you even see the doctor,

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With my preferred mode of transportation.
Cleaning, Love, Marriage, Sex, Women

Summer Cleaning and Sex

It was “summer cleaning” at work, and everyone was assigned a duty. Mine was to clean the sales office.

I’m pretty sure this space hasn’t been cleaned… maybe ever? So it was a daunting task.

After sweeping up several trash bags of dead roaches, dust rabbits, and… hair (Gag… that’s what you get with four women sharing an office)… I could see the progress.

As I was putting away the last clear plastic container of odds and ends,

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Sexy ogres...
Baby, Love, Marriage, Parenting, Sex, sex toy, Women

How to Spice Up Your Marriage While Watching TV With Your Kids

If you have kids at home, you likely spend a good portion of your day watching TV.

And thus likely spend a good portion of your day feeling like you live in an insane asylum.

The high-pitched voices.

The squeals of laughter. The over-exaggerated disappointment.

“Oh noooo, Alpha-Pig is toooo scared to go down the slide. What arrrrrrrre we going to do?”

Blugh.

And for whatever reason,

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See what I mean?
Love, Marriage, Menopause, Mother, Parenting, Pregnancy, Sex, Women

I Have Feelings for My iPhone. And Publix.

I used to be calm. Cool. Collected.

But something happened when I got pregnant, and I lost complete control of my emotions. (And my bladder. But that’s a whole other post.)

Anything sad, sweet or remotely HUMAN – and I become a hubbering, blubbering mess.

I have not watched a single movie since Colt’s birth that hasn’t made me hyperventilate.

I cried at The Hangover.

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Sex, Uncategorized

The Tugger

Occasionally Todd and I will watch something weird on Netflix.

I especially like to watch shows documenting mental illness, obsessions, addictions, oh and any of those bizarre sex shows…

Last weekend, Todd and I watched like 4 straight hours of TLC’s Strange Sex.

Each episode more horrifying than the last.

One about a middle-aged couple using common kitchen utensils to beat, spank and prod each other –

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Dating, Love, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Sex, Women

Oh Mike, You Are So Magical

It was Sunday. Good Christians were exiting Fellowship Halls. Families were sitting down to supper. And heathen-women like me were entering make-shift strip clubs.

A male review disguised as a “movie theater.”

I’m gonna be honest. When my mother-in-law told me we were going to see Magic Mike, my first thought wasn’t about Channing Tatum’s loins.

It was that I could sit. For 2 hours. Without Colt calling my name 20 times a minute.

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Can't Put a Price on Great Friends!
Beauty, Dating, Fashion, Friendship, Love, Marriage, Money, Parenting, Sex, Shopping, Travel, Women

Oh, For the Love of Money

This past weekend one of my besties got married at the Renaissance Vinoy Resort in beautiful downtown St. Petersburg, FL.

I knew it was going to be a high class affair, and I also knew I’d be spending some time with my just married, child-free friends who still have money… and abs.

I prepared in every way possible. I bought a new dress (albeit a $24.99 dress from Forever 21), purchased new accessories,

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Look at the ridiculous size of this shape wear
Baby, Beauty, Dating, Fashion, Love, Marriage, Pregnancy, Sex, Shopping, Women

My Love/Hate Relationship with Spanx

Funny things happen to your body after you have a baby.

Even if you get back to the same “size” you were pre-pregnancy, your parts are all in slightly different locations.

Things are a little…. longer…and a little… lower…than they were before.

Not only do you have an actual baby to worry about now, but you also have all these jiggly bits to manage.

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Baby, Love, Marriage, Mother, Parenting, Pregnancy, Sex, sex toy, Weight Loss

An hour a day? Who has time for that.

Colt was only a few months old. His acid reflux was keeping us up at night. I hadn’t slept more than a few hours in…

I stumbled into the break room at work for my morning coffee. Half conscious. It took every ounce of energy I had just to shmear my bagel.

I overheard two colleagues discussing an article they’d read on weight loss. How in a couple of weeks you could lose two dress sizes.

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